My Saga Continuous

My Saga on my awareness campaign against Violence continuous as i explore the possible reasons why abused women chose to stay in an abusive relationship.

 

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Over a cup of coffee, i relentlessly write with my heart bleeding remembering each and every victim of violence out there.

 

you are poised and elegant
they admire you for that
you speak of love and compassion
they adore you for that
underneath it all
is a soul crumbling and struggling

your smile is contagious
they like you for that
you are charming and inspiring
they emulate you for that
underneath it all
are million pieces of forgotten dreams and broken promises

you are a silent victim
of violence
masquerading
in a beautiful shadow of living

Written for calmkate’s Friday fun -Contadictions
Friday Fun – contradiction

The contradictions in the life of an abused woman.  Hiding the pains, the agonies and the traumas; in between smiles and hellos and coping up and not breaking down.

Some may have questioned the sanity of an abused woman who tried to stay in a relationship despite of the violence she is experiencing.

In 2014 NFL linebacker Ray Rice knocked his fiancée Janay Palmer unconscious in an elevator.  He was then accused of domestic violence and suspended for two games. After a few weeks, he was formally charged, but  to the surprise of everybody he and Palmer were married the next day.

There was a security video of the event that surfaced, and quickly went viral.
Janay Palmer was knocked down and dragged out of the elevator by Rice.

Plot twist, Janay Palmer, the beaten knocked and dragged fiance, spoke out in defense of her then husband. In a press conference she apologized and said: “I deeply regret the role I played that night”.
She posted on instagram  “Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is,” and asked everybody to stop judging her husband.

This triggered the public’s view over abused women. The public  could not understand how Palmer could be standing by her man.

People began to question her sanity, innocence, and motives.

Why would she stay with him, let alone defend Rice who had knocked her unconscious? What was wrong with Janay Palmer that she would do this?

Why can’t an abused victim simply walk away?

According to Jason B. Whiting, PhD, LMFT is a Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy at Texas Tech University there are 8 reasons why an abused victim choose to stay.

1. Distorted Thoughts.

Being controlled and hurt is traumatizing, and this leads to confusion, doubts, and even self-blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims, which wears them down and causes despair and guilt.

2. Damaged Self-Worth.

Related was the damage to the self that is the result of degrading treatment. Many women felt beaten down and of no value.

3. Fear.

The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped.

4. Wanting to be a Savior.

Many described a desire to help, or love their partners with the hopes that they could change them.

5. Children.

These women also put their children first, sacrificing their own safety.
6. Family Expectations and Experiences.

Many posted descriptions of how past experiences with violence distorted their sense of self or of healthy relationships.

7. Financial Constraints.

Many referred to financial limitations, and these were often connected to caring for children.

8. Isolation.

A common tactic of manipulative partners is to separate their victim from family and friends.
Source: Institute for Family Studies. Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/eight-reasons-women-stay-in-abusive-relationships

Posted in support of Perak Women for Women Society
The PWW Centre
15 Market Street
30000 Ipoh
Tel : 05-2469715

https://www.facebook.com/PerakWomenforWomen/

https://www.facebook.com/1MillionStars/
The Reasons mentioned above are just few of the many possible reasons there could be for staying in an abusive relationship.

So, if you are a victim and are afraid to speak up feel free to provide me with your comment below. I guarantee you that I will protect your privacy.

LET’S TALK;  It may HELP you!!!

108 Replies to “My Saga Continuous”

  1. Wonderful work starting an awareness campaign. It is easy for us to judge situations from the outside. Many people are not aware of the many shapes and forms of intimate partner violence. As a result they end up tolerating tiny assaults on their integrity.

    For example, some people don’t think of name-calling or silent treatment as a form of abuse. They think that they’re being childish if they leave a relationship over a partner calling them “fat” or “stupid”. There is some pressure to accept that it is no big deal if a partner laughs at them when they make a mistake or points out something that they’re insecure about.

    Our self esteem fluctuates throughout life and there are times when we are more vulnerable to abuse. That is why I think it is helpful to have several systems of social, emotional and mental health support, so we can be protected when we are most vulnerable.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your insights. I am happy to see you too here in my comment box because for a long time now i cannot go through your site…it says on private mode…

      1. Long time no see! Happy to be able to comment on your posts. I’m archived for the moment, haven’t posted anything new in a while. Best of luck, with warm hugs. SB

  2. contradiction explains this situation so well. you got it in a nutshell. in Asia another factor is shame. the woman feels ashamed to talk about it and seek help. our society covers up abuse with all sorts of excuses. things are changing away from that but not fast enough so I really salute people like you who champion this cause. to speak up for those who cannot, to explain what they are going through. well written Mich, the poem shows both sides of the victim so eloquently

    1. Thank you Gina..and i agree with you that in Asia the dominant reason for staying is shame. And yes, change is happening though, but its moving so slow. And that’s why we need to help in facilitating and creating awareness..

  3. I agree with all the reasons you have put out, Mich and as well as what Gina says about shame. This is such an important issue and kudos to you for taking it further. So well articulated.

  4. Your entire article is frighteningly informative, and as a loyal and loving carer for wife during those 30 years, I find domestic violence difficult to comprehend, but I know the violence is out there and still at very high levels, in all societies….

      1. Hi Mich, I’ve just written this poem, your poem has compelled me write this piece… I’ve not posted/published it yet… I’m not sure, because I only know by hearsay what goes on, … I was hoping for your opinion on my words before I maybe put it on my site…. Thank you Mich…..

        Back To Her Man

        She goes back to her man
        What is the colour of his bruised hand
        When he rips off her headband
        How many times will she feel his fistful of sand

        She goes back to her man
        What is the name for his brand
        When he stamps her armband
        How many years before she’s able to make a stand

        She goes back to her man
        What is the origin of his ugly land
        When he demands her waistband
        How many decades before he’s banned

        She goes back to her man
        What happens to her life unplanned
        When his every word is a command
        How will she survive the witness stand

        She goes back to her man
        Abandoned, now in shadow-land
        Living is hell, after his reprimand
        He is not worthy, nor is he grand

      2. Wow Ivor this is stunning and yes this speaks exacrtly of the matters of abuse..this poem deserve to have a separate post..would you want me to include this in my next “saga” or would you love to post it yourself?..i can put this as part of our collaboration..

        I also love how poetic you have described the attempts of her (abused) coming back to him (abuser).

      3. Oh Mich, I would be very pleased to have include it in next “saga’. I’ll be also posting it tomorrow (3 Hours) with link/reference to your “saga” series…
        I’m always happy to share my words around ((hugs)) and more than happy you like the format of my words, it was a bit repetitive, but I think in this case it added power and significance to the abused here

      4. You are correct the repetition of lines makes it even more powerful…and this techniques has actually been used by many poets if they want to draw attention to a particular point..
        Thank you Ivor..

      5. I would love to read them in your site Ivor..and i am honored and happy as well that i inspired you to also write this…please send me the link as soon as you posted it..as sometimes the reader can be very difficult to understand lol..

  5. I agree with all your points. I cannot understand why stay for the children, they cannot be kept in an abusive relationship as it also involves them.

    My now ex-husband seemed to change over-night complete personality change. I was stunned and we were married for 4 years. Why did I stay? I kept looking for the person I fell in love with and you know what he did not exist. We had a son and by the time he was 18 months old my ex started to abuse him. I calmly told my ex I wanted a divorce and then took strong measures against him to protect my son and myself from him. It was quite a battle with the courts but I stood my ground against him to protect my son. I had very good lawyers which helped a great deal.

    There is not a good enough reason to stay and if your doing it for money then enjoy the battle. Money is worthless, physical freedom has no price.

    1. I am so happy you shared your story Nanette and thank you for trusting us with that..my readers along with the followers of Perak Women for Women Society would be grateful to know that someone has really stood out against an abuse ..and that is you…with understanding and awareness and help of the other previous victims, abused women will be able to find the strength and courage to walk away..

      1. I hope so they find the strength. Abuse has to be stopped. This happened a very long time ago I would have been 30 at the time. No money but had a government lawyer who was brilliant.

        Point to remember is to write down all the abuse as it takes place, I did and handed my lawyer a list of abuse and dates. This gave the lawyer an upper hand because he had details not just vagaries. Abuse is abuse. My ex got angry with my 18 mth old son whilst gardening, and threw him into a rose bush. Arms and legs gashed screaming this is abuse.

      2. OMG…throwing an 18 month old baby is unforgivable.

        I would like to deal further with you having a brilliant government lawyer who helped you. I would like to APPLAUD your government for that. Because from where i am, brilliant lawyers are private practitioners and they charge you of really large amount of money which would cost you a fortune; government lawyers on the otherhand are for free but the process of having them stand by you as your lawyer is even more excruciating than the ordeal itself. We have brilliant government lawyers too, but becaues they are very few, your applicatio to have one is moving so slow..and in my country, we are all hesitant to get the services of government lawyers, because they have the reputation of either discrediting your case or ask you to just settle the dispute outside the court.

        Kudos to your lawyer!!

      3. He was the support who got me through, well actually it was his assistant who came into the booth I was sat waiting to go in to the hearing. The assistant said to me he could see I had been crying and he would have heard the conversations between lawyers. He said do what you believe is right and do not back down from the pressures of the court. Nobody had told me this at that point I felt completely squashed. I pulled myself together and refused to accept anything less than what I had been asking for No Access and to protect my son. It was hard, my strength in life came later but this was the start.

      4. Thank you so much Nanette for sharing your story..this is a beautiful reminder to everyone – victims to never give up trying to get out..

    2. Puzzle, I’m so happy you were able to get out of that abusive marriage with your son. Oh I hope your son didn’t have to go visit him. It would just kill me to think of any child having to be mandated by a court for him to have to endure more abuse because of “Parental Rights.” Horrible.

      You have A LOT of courage, and I admire you so much! There were so many feelings in the poem. This one hurt me the most

      “you are everything
      but a silent victim
      of violence
      masquerading
      in a beautiful shadow of living.”

      Imagining you having to masquerade in a beautiful shadow of living, Puzzle, My heart would break.

      I’m so glad you said something. You’re such a great writer.

    3. Puzzle, I’m so happy you were able to get out of that abusive marriage with your son. Oh I hope your son didn’t have to go visit him. It would just kill me to think of any child having to be mandated by a court for him to have to endure more abuse because of “Parental Rights.” Horrible.

      You have A LOT of courage, and I admire you so much! There were so many feelings in the poem. This one hurt me the most

      “you are everything
      but a silent victim
      of violence
      masquerading
      in a beautiful shadow of living.”

      Imagining you having to masquerade in a beautiful shadow of living, Puzzle, My heart would break.

      I’m so glad you said something. You’re such a great writer

      1. I battled with the court and social workers who worked by the book and not by the family unit. I refused to allow my ex to have access to our son. Both my son and I were put through far more than we should have due to the judge presiding hated women. Christmas came and the presiding judge looked at the case and said what on earth has been going on here. Immediately denied access to my ex. 18 months of heartache and I would not back down.

      2. I can only imagine your ordeal…and yes this is also the problem with most judicial systems worlwide, most judges base their judgement on the basis only what what was on the book or what exactly the law says. Though i understand, the law is law but i also would like to believe that above all laws is the love and compassion.

        It is just so good to know that your ordeal is finally over and that of your son too.

      3. Another point, I also involved our family Doctor as the whole process was detrimental to my son’s health. When the Doctor came to court to testify the Judge did not know what to say and closed the hearing. Checkmate.

      4. I am clapping my hands right now…for the doctor to even testify, that is wonderful of him to do that. Again from where i am, doctors are one of the most elite members of the society, to even book for a check up or appointment is very difficult much more ask them to do something like what your doctor did…that is remarkable.

      5. Our family Doctor was very humane and approachable. He believed access of children should be dealt with outside the courts. Between families and a medical practitioner who knew the history of the children and family to decide what was best for the children.

      6. You are courageous! Courage comes through the spirit that allowed you to think of ways that help you to survive (a child is part of the mother when they are younger through independence). Holistic: Body, mind and spirit. Really brilliant! I am so glad, but I am sorry it took almost two years.

        I wonder if that judges was in his job for the prestige, notoriety and money because people that get into a profession for these reason tend to not have any real objectivity, care for what they do nor compassion/empathy/sympathy nor ability to care about observed threat to body, mind and spirit, and they burn out…and their attachments make them evil.

        I Wonder if people who find their profession with a real drive for the field are more holistically objective, fair and caring.

        It is so frustrating when we have to deal with “Authorities” who don’t match us as individual with real needs; mothers who protect their children and themselves. It DOES cause a battle; a WAR, and the casualties are peace of mind, we get ill; we loose life force.

        Anyway…I esteem your courage…I really really do! I hope you have gotten some of your life force and health back!

      7. Ian grateful as always for your support. Slowly being healed, a lot of pain. I hope to help and give ideas to men and women who suffer abuse. My Doctor’s partnership ended as the other Dr did not approve of what he did. He setup another practice and blessed were those who were able to go to his practice. The Doctor had 6 children loved them.

  6. fear, isolation, lack of worth, believe they can ‘cure’ them … these reasons are so valid, so crippling and children should be kept safe … thanks for highlighting this huge contradiction Mich
    … you haven’t read my post on this topic?

  7. Mich, my dear, what a beautiful tribute to the beauty and yet horrifying struggles women touched by violence go through. Your words are powerful and touching. It’s a scary life these strong yet delicate flowers go through. Too many don’t understand that it’s more complex than what we see on the surface, the waters truly run deep in these situations.

    1. Hello Jenna first i am happy to see you here..i dont know if its my reader of WP glitches but i cant seem to find you in my reader for a long time..

      And thank you for sharing your thoughts here as this is a very compelling issue women are facing today.

      1. Awww I’m so happy to finally have a little time to start getting back interacting mom in the blogosphere…it’s been too long! 🤗❤️

        The summer has been a fun whirlwind, but I’m happy things are slowing down. Lol 🙃😉 How are you my dear?

      2. Ohhh been enjoying my “new found voice”…i have been researching and reading a lot about abuse and violence and i felt like i needed a voice for them

      3. Having our own voice is so important my dear, I’m so happy for you and to help give a voice to others in need is a wonderful and touching movement I’m proud to support! 😊 ❤️ ❤️

  8. Sorry for the duplicate response to Puzzle. It wasn’t intentional, but I really just can’t stand abuse! So a double tribute to Puzzle of the Soul I think is appropriate any way.

    Let it stand for all abused women. I read all the reasons that were listed. For those that didn’t/don’t get out on their own like Puzzle did, then knowing those reasons could really help a friend to help the abused woman to reconsider herself because sometimes we do really need help with making sense of life.

    Love this poem and what was shared.

    Peace!

      1. I only responded to something I read that was beautiful. I tend to be lead by my feelings; what ever comes out it’s from that. That is why I really love reading posts that are so positive and advocating like yours is. I can run my feelings through something positive. I would only strengthen what is already very very powerful in your article…that helps people. Thanks Mitch!

    1. Oh, i am so sorry to hear that, and may i know how did you (children) dealt with that?…yours is a first hand story that says my mom stayed “for the children”…

  9. Thank you for this post. When I was going through this 30 years ago, no one talked about it. One of the things abusers do best is to isolate their victims. The more clever abusers win everyone around them over with charm. I was married to both kinds, and in different ways lost everything. Part of my journey to healing from many years of trauma has been to begin talking about it, out loud, in public. That began in 2000 on my poetry website, but I tore it all down. I was safe but my mind wouldn’t allow me to believe it. This shadow world you wrote about so well in your poem is where I lived for most of my life, even after I was free from the abuse. A few years ago during Orange the World I began sharing my DV/CSA poetry on Instagram and on my Niki Flow blog. I am grateful to find your blog and to read your poem today. Blessings and light to you.
    ♥.

    1. Hello there Niki..i am happy to see you share your story here..i am sure victims of violence out there will be able to find strength and courage through your sharing. We may not immediately give them their freedom but like you in time they will fine they way out. Your story is so valuable in saving a victim.
      Keep sharing and keep know that i will always and forever be grateful for you for telling your story here..
      I pray for your complete healing.🤗

      1. Thank you very much. I really appreciate that. If what I have learned can help anyone else, it will have been worth it. Of course, the lessons were worth it too (in hindsight). 😉 ♥.

    1. I am glad you find this of great importance. And yes that part where the abused wanting to be the abuser’s savior is indeed something that is very complex yet prevalent

  10. There are many types of abuses, those against women are indeed highlighted. But we need also to remember the children, the elders and even some men that are abused. Let us learn to listen, support and speak for all who cannot or will not speak for themselves.

    May the abused find strength in those who will listen and escape the horrors and be welcomed into relief and freedom.

  11. Thank you so MUCH for this important, powerful, well-written post!
    (I came by via Ivor’s blogsite. 🙂 )
    I’ve known too many females who stayed…even stayed for too long…but they had to do it in “their timing”. So many reason, too, as you listed.
    One even said to me, “This is my third marriage. If I leave I will be such a failure in the eyes of my family and God.” I assured her she was NOT a failure and needed to get away…she needn’t worry about what others would think. She and her kids needed to be safe.
    (((HUGS))),
    Carolyn

    1. Thank you Carolyn for taking time to drop by …you have highligted another important reason for staying in an abusive relationship, that is they do it in their own moment of truth so to say….and yes another disturbing fact is when a woman has into multiple failed marriages..
      Creating awareness is one important step to tell these victims they are not alone and that there is life after abuse.

  12. BTW: I wrote a few poems on this subject…abuse/violence toward females. If one might help in your awareness campaign against violence, I’d be happy to share it with you to use. Let me know. I could e-mail it to you so you could decide if it would help at all. If you don’t need it, ’tis okay! 🙂 Just wanted to make the offer. 🙂
    (((HUGS)))

      1. My site is on “private” but if you click on my “username” it should take you to a place to request access. WP will send me an e-mail and I can deal with it so you can read my posts.

        I will put up one of my abuse poems next week on Monday or Tuesday. And then let you know it’s up.

        HUGS!!! 🙂

      2. Yes that’s right i went there and saw it on “private”…i’ll come back and request acceas..thank you so much..i also would love to see and read your posts

      3. Okay!
        And I will post one of my abuse poems on Monday or Tuesday! Then I’ll come back here and let you know it’s up.
        Until then…hope you have a good weekend!
        (((HUGS))) 🙂

  13. Your poem definitely highlights the double life that victims of DV can lead. So much power in your words and bringing this injustice to light! There are also different kinds of abuse – not just physical but emotional, verbal, financial. Love shouldn’t hurt and DV is about power and control, not love.

    1. Thank you so much for sharing your story to me.and yes, it would be a great help for all of us to better understand this problem.

      I am hoping you are coping and healing well..

  14. Such an important issue, I once worked with a colleague who often would come to work with a black eye, I asked her the same question why don’t you just leave him..
    But abuse is not just so clear cut. She had a young son, no where to go to, and the fear of him following her and his treats were greater than staying and putting up with the violence.
    Eventually she did leave, and she also found new respect for herself..

    You see for most of her life, she felt she deserved this treatment, she felt unworthy of being loved, right from childhood, and throughout her life seemed to have picked partner after partner who abused her verbally and physically ..

    Once she began Loving herself, she saw too she was deserving of so much more better treatment..

    That for her was her turning point..

    Look forward to the next parts Mich.. ❤

  15. You’re doing an incredibly wonderful thing by shining light on this issue. So many people find it easy to judge a woman who stays in abusive relationship without taking the time to truly understand the reasons why. These women need help in more ways than one, not judgment and ridicule.

    As for your poem, that last stanza:
    “you are a silent victim
    of violence
    masquerading
    in a beautiful shadow of living”

    This clenched my heart, it’s such a tragically beautiful and accurate description of these women. Keep this up, Mich 💜

    1. You are righ Jade..we don’t know what’s goin on behind close doors and we don’t know whay they are going through…

      And yes even the happiest, most successful woman could be just faking it..

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