Poetry…in Motion
In the silence of my heart and from a distance my prayer today goes out to a really dear friend who’s son passed away.
“Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”
―Ernest Hemingway
Note: English translation is provided below
Matindi nga namang magbiro ang tadhana. Matyaga akong nag antay na one day mapapansin mo ako. I could have flirted; but i did not. I chose not to.
Sabi ko kasi mukhang matino ka namang tao, so flirting won’t work. Besides, sanay akong ako ang hinahabol, ako ang sinusuyo. Pambihira! Kung kelan na ako nagkagusto minalas pa… ayaw pa yata sa akin.
Kinakarma ba ako? Alam kong wagas akong mang alaska at mang asar sa mga nanliligaw sa akin; pero di ko naman siguro deserving na mag antay na lng forever sayo.
Pag nag iisa ako alam mo bang madalas kung tignan ang sarili ko sa salamin? Sabi ko nga, anong kulang? You must be special.
Sana bangko ka na din sa totoong buhay. Pag may deposit; may interest. Ikaw….deposit lang ako ng deposit wala man lang interest.
Ang bangko, in case of emergency, madaling mag withdraw ng naideposit mo, solve na ang worry mo. Alam mo bang maraming beses akong namoroblema? Kailangan ko sanang mag withraw ng konting pagmamahal eh. …kaso di pwede. Hindi mo naman alam na nag invest ako eh.
Madalas nga pag nagkakasakit ako at naoospital, sa maniwala ka at sa hindi, never was there a time in the hospital that i did not wish that the next time the door opens it would be you. Gusto ko talagang mag withraw especially during those times. A little amount of embrace may make me feel better. A little amount of care would make me well. Pero hanggang doon na lang talaga. Kasi nga naman hindi ka bangko. Di ka pwedeng mawithraw or better yet mautang or mahiram. A little loan may help but the stake is just too much. Andami siguradong requirements for credit investigation.
Sana one day i’ll find you again.
Sana malaman ko what is it about you that makes me like you so much. Kahit ayaw mo sa akin.
Sana one day kahit pangalan mo man lang malaman ko, and from then we will start.
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Bank ( Part 2)
It’s funny how some weird fate could meddle into our lives. You could only imagine how I waited so long for you to notice me. I could have flirted; but i did not. I chose not to. After all, i thought you were really nice and descent, so flirting won’t work. And besides come to think of it…I am the one being chased about by most men. Oh, come on…why can’t i just have you?
Is this what they call karma? I know i haven’t been really nice to those who tried and attempted to win me; but I don’t think i deserve to be punished like this… No way, this is too much of a punishment. And let’s face it, I don’t think i deserve to wait for you this long.
Whenever i am alone, i would examine myself in the mirror. What is wrong with me? I can’t seem to find the answer. You must be very special then.
I wish you are a bank too. I will deposit, then i get to have an interest. But with you, i only get to deposit no amount of interest is being given back.
In case of emergencies, there would be a readily available ATM machines to withdraw money… and presto! My problem would be solved.
Do you even realized that i have been in trouble so many times? And for most of those times i badly needed to withdraw, even a little amount of love; but i just can’t. You practically didn’t even know i invested love on you.
There are times when i get so sick i needed to be hospitalized. And believe me, never was there a time in the hospital that i didn’t wish that the next time the door opens, it would be you. I really needed to withdraw then. A little amount of embrace may help me feel better. A little amount of care may make me well. But i guess, i just can’t. I can’t even withdraw you; much more borrow or loan you. A little loan may actually help but i am sure the stake would be just too much. I am sure there would be lots of requirements for credit investigation.
I hope one day i’ll find you again.
I wish i would know what is it about you that makes me like you so much. Even though obviously you never liked me.
And maybe one day, i’ll begin to start with your name.
Note: for my non – Filipino readers please find below my English translation of this piece.
This is my second piece written in Filipino in celebration of our Language Month (Buwan ng Wika)
“Next please”..madalas sigaw ng teller sa bangko.
Sa kakatunganga ko di ko namalayaang ako na pala ang
“next please”. Epic fail
Eh paano naman kasi nakikita kita sa gilid ng mata ko.
Pangiti – ngiti; pasulat – sulat.
In short, busy ka. Ni hindi mo nga namalayang merong titig ng titig sayo.
Doon kita unang nakita. Sa bangko.
Ang bangko ay para sa mga gustong magdeposit, magwithraw, o di kaya mag loan, ika nga umutang.
‘Yan lang.
Di totoo yan. Kasi ako pumupunta sa bangko di para magdeposit, magwithraw or umutang kundi para makita ka.
Oo antindi ko ano? nagdedeposit naman ako. Paunti – unti nga lang.
At eto pa, lahat ng klaseng accounts na – open kona. Sa katunayan, nga eh naging kaibigan ko na ang mga teller doon.
Excited ako twing pupunta ng bangko, paano kasi makikita kita.
Makikita kitang ni minsan, ay hindi man lang ako sinulyapan. Duda nga ako kung maganda ba ako talaga o ginogoyo lang ako ng mga nagsasabing maganda ako.
Yong isang teller nga kababaeng tao pero maka flirt sa akin wagas. No offense meant here ha.
Lumipas ang maraming araw, linggo, bwan at taon. Pero dyahe talaga, ni sulyap ayaw mo akong bigyan. Siguro nga pangit talaga ako sa paningin mo.
Nakakaramdam na ako ng lungkot. Di mo na nga yata ako mapapansin, eh paano naman kasi taon na talaga ang lumipas at loob ng maraming taon ang tanging nasasambit ko ay “i wonder how it feels to kiss him”…
Kapag offline at pinaantay ako ng teller, sa halip na mainip ay tuwang tuwa ako.
Kapag may matanda sa likuran kong nakapila, nagbabait baitan ako at pinauuna ko sya.
Sayang din kasi ang dagdag exposure ko sana sayo. Pero wala talaga.
It’s been years.
Marami na ang nangyari sa buhay ko.
Oo na aminado ako. Katalinong tao nag aantay sa wala. Dagdag mo yung sa totoo lang maganda ako noh.
One day, nagdeposit ulit ako. Di kita nakita. Nakipagdaldalan muna ako sa teller na naging kaibigan ko. Baka kasi nag break ka lng. Pero hindi mo break eh. Kasi sa tinagal tagal ng panahong pumupunta ako sa bangko ng ganoong oras, never kang nag break. So sigurado ako, di mo break. Baka absent ka, o sick leave kaya.
Umuwi akong malungkot. Obvious ba.
After one week nagdeposit ulit ako. Wala ka pa rin. Nag worry ako. Kung sick leave ka, eh di one week ka ng nagkakasakit. Nahiya naman akong magtanong kasi alam ng lahat we’re not friends not even in speaking terms, nor hi or hello.. Worst, we were never introduced.
Oo nga ano, bakit nga ba walang may nagpakilala sa atin?
Again, umuwi akong malungkot.
That was it. the next time i went to the bank. BOOM! Narinig ko nagresign ka na daw.
Ansakit. Gusto kong maiyak right there and then. Paano na ako? Ay wala naman pala akong dahilan umiyak. I doubt if you even realized i ever existed.
I never went back to the bank again.
Few years after my “dormancy letter” na ako, reminding me to update my accounts. At narealize ko malaki laki na din pala naipon ko.
Ang mga tao pag pumupunta ng bangko nag iinvest ng pera. Ako pumupunta ng bangko para mag invest ng pagmamahal. Hey, wait.. mahal nga ba kita?
Winidraw ko na ang mag savings ko. Malaki laki na din. Pwde ko na din bang mawidraw ang pagmamahal na nainvest ko? Di ko kasi alam kung saan ka hahaapin eh. Wala kasi akong mapagtanungan. Paano wala namang may alam na loka loka ako at my gusto ako sayo.
Sana magkita ulit tayo. Promise pag nagkita tayo ulit i will make sure, mapapansin mo ako, magugustuhan mo ako.
Pangako yan.
Ano nga ba ang pangalan mo?
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Bank (A short stupid love story)
“Next please”.. this is what i usually hear from the teller in the bank when they call out for their next customer to be served.
I wasn’t paying so much attention. I was busy looking intensely at you. You were busy working in your table. You were writing. You were smiling. You were answering calls. Unfortunately, you never noticed i was looking at you all this time. Funny for me though, ‘cos i was already the one being called ” next please'”.. the teller has to even yell at me.
It was in the bank when i saw you first.
A bank is for people who wanted to save or loan money.
It wasn’t the case for me,… its not true. I go to the bank regularly not only to deposit or save money; it was my only chance to see you. Wow, how noble is that?
But, well.. i do have my accounts there. I’d deposit most of the times in really very minimal amount of money. Clearly, just to have a valid reason to be there and see you. Actually, truth is, I had seven accounts in the bank. One of the tellers became my friend already.
I was always excited to go to the bank. Well, of course because you were there. I will see you again. I will see you again, who unfortunately never noticed me at all. …Ever…
There were times when i doubted my looks. Am i really pretty as what most people say? Maybe after all, i am not, because you never noticed me, nor even looked at me.
In fact, that lady teller i mentioned would sometimes flirt at me. No offense meant here but, hey come on, let’s face it I am pretty.
Days passed… months…even years…But, i did not get even a single glance from you. Maybe i am really not that pretty.
I was losing hope. I don’t think you will ever notice me at all. After all, it’s been years. And all for these years i have been wondering “how it feels like kissing him?…
There were times when the bank’s system would go offline. Some clients would be pest off and complained. I wasn’t pest off and i never complained. Of course why would i be pest off? I in fact happy. I have more reasons to stay.
There were times too, when i would play nice to an elderly woman behind me by allowing her to go first. Well, again, another reason to stay longer in the bank.
It’s been years.
So much and so many happened in my life.
Alright, i must admit. How could someone so smart and intelligent be waiting for something to happen over someone who practically never knew i exist?
One day, i went to the bank for my usual deposit drama. I didn’t saw you there. I chatted over my lady teller/lesbian friend with the hope that you just went on a break. But i realized, i have been going back and forth to the bank on that same time of the day, but you were never on “break”. Well, i thought, “maybe you went on a leave…sick leave?’
I went home sad. Obviously.
After one week i went back to the bank again for another “deposit drama”. You were not there yet again. So if you went on a sick leave, you must have been sick for one week…ahhhh how are you feelin then?
I have no one to ask. Well i was hesitant to ask because the whole world supposedly knew we were not friends, not even on a “hi, hello” mode. Worst i don’t think you knew I ever existed.
Again, i went home very sad. Obviously.
That was it. The next time i was back…BOOM!!! i overheard the tellers talking, discussing your resignation.
I was hurt. I wanted to break down, right there and then. ”How ’bout me?'”…Ohh, stupid…i don’t have the reason the be hurt after all. And yes again, i doubt if you ever realized i existed.
I never went back to the bank again. Why would i?
Few years after, i received a “dormancy letter” saying i needed to update my accounts. I realized i saved so much money already over the course of time going back and forth in the bank wanting to see you. Amazing!!
A bank is for people to save or invest money. In my case i did not just invest money. I invested LOVE. Hey, am i in love with you? Even if you never noticed me?
I closed my accounts and withdrew my investments.
Can i also withdraw the love i invested on you? I actually don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t find you, I have no one to ask. Besides no one knew i went crazy over you. (Sigh…)
I can only hope i will see you one day… soon.
I promise when that happens i will make sure you will notice me. I swear… you will like me then.
I promise.
“Oh, by the way what’s your name?”
We started over coffee, sabi ng kanta.
At doon tayo nagsimula …sa kape.
Over americano and cappucino; nagkwentuhan tayo
kung ano ano lang.
mababaw,
malalim,
may kwenta, o wala.
Nasundan pa ng maraming beses ang pagkakape natin.
Hindi ko na mabilang sa dami.
Madalas, kahit nakapagkape na ako,
kapag nag aya ka, oo agad ako.
kaya nga may mga araw na napaparami ako ng kape.
May mga araw na hyper ako.
May mga araw na di ako pwedeng gulatin,
baka atake sa puso ang abot ko.
May mga gabing di ako makatulog; nasobrahan ng kape,
Ngunit madalas nasobrahan sa kakaisip sayo.
Fast forward.
Kape tayo.
namimis na kita.
Nang iwan ka kasi.
(here is the English translation for the benefit of my non – Filipino readers)
We started over coffee, as the song goes.
That’s how it all begun.
Over americano and cappuccino.
we talked a lot; nonsense and folly
trivial things, mostly nothing really in particular.
We had coffee.
I can’t even figure out how many times
we’d have coffee a day.
Funny though, ‘cos sometimes
you’d call me; i’d say yes.
Truth is, i just had one.
There are days when i’d have too much caffeine;
scaring me off will trigger a heart attack.
There are nights when i’d have insomnia;
caffeine overload, i say
or maybe i kept thinking of you.
Fast forward.
i’m having coffee.
alone.
you left me, just like that.
P.S.
From today onwards I will be posting poems in Filipino (my national language) to commemorate and celebrate August as our National Language month.
Don’t bullshit me with your
“I love you’s”
None of them bears witness
To how i grieve
Of witnessing you walk away
Everyday.
Don’t fool me with your
“I miss you”
Nothing compares to the pain
You inflicted on me
For being near yet so far away.
Don’t lull me with your
“I wanna be with you”
Nonsense, though
For up and till now you
Remain a fragment in my dreams.
Don’t say you love me…
P.S.
An irrational (maybe for some) poetic rant of a woman in a coffee shop.
Kept among the clouds
Songs of my undying love
Waiting to be sung.
Let the angels sing
In joy, perfect harmony
Songs of love for you.
As you lay in bed
Sleep tight oh, my love so sweet
With my songs of love.
I didn’t know i was
shattered…
’till a tear drop fell
When your hello
was a cold strange
goodbye.
