In the Silence of my Heart

In the silence of my heart and from a distance my prayer today goes out to a really dear friend who’s son passed away.

“Every man’s life ends the same way. It is only the details of how he lived and how he died that distinguish one man from another.”

―Ernest Hemingway

Bangko (Maikling Kwento ng Katangahan)

Note: for my non – Filipino readers please find below my English translation of this piece.

This is my second piece written in Filipino in celebration of our Language Month (Buwan ng Wika)

 

  “Next please”..madalas sigaw ng teller sa bangko.

Sa kakatunganga ko di ko namalayaang ako na pala ang 

“next please”. Epic fail

Eh paano naman kasi nakikita kita sa gilid ng mata ko.

Pangiti – ngiti; pasulat – sulat.

In short, busy ka. Ni hindi mo nga namalayang merong titig ng titig sayo.

Doon kita unang nakita. Sa bangko.

Ang bangko ay para sa mga gustong magdeposit, magwithraw, o di kaya mag loan, ika nga umutang.

‘Yan lang.

Di totoo yan. Kasi ako pumupunta sa bangko di para magdeposit, magwithraw or umutang kundi para makita ka. 

Oo antindi ko ano? nagdedeposit naman ako. Paunti – unti nga lang.

At eto pa, lahat ng klaseng accounts na – open kona. Sa katunayan, nga eh naging kaibigan ko na ang mga teller doon.

Excited ako twing pupunta ng bangko, paano kasi makikita kita.

Makikita kitang ni minsan, ay hindi man lang ako sinulyapan. Duda nga ako kung maganda ba ako talaga o ginogoyo lang ako ng mga nagsasabing maganda ako. 

Yong isang teller nga kababaeng tao pero maka flirt sa akin wagas. No offense meant here ha.

Lumipas ang maraming araw, linggo, bwan at taon. Pero dyahe talaga, ni sulyap ayaw mo akong bigyan. Siguro nga pangit talaga ako sa paningin mo.

Nakakaramdam na ako ng lungkot. Di mo na nga yata ako mapapansin, eh paano naman kasi taon na talaga ang lumipas at loob ng maraming taon ang tanging nasasambit ko ay “i wonder how it feels to kiss him”…

Kapag offline at pinaantay ako ng teller, sa halip na mainip ay tuwang tuwa ako.

Kapag may matanda sa likuran kong nakapila, nagbabait baitan ako at pinauuna ko sya.

Sayang din kasi ang dagdag exposure ko sana sayo. Pero wala talaga.

It’s been years.

Marami na ang nangyari sa buhay ko.

Oo na aminado ako. Katalinong tao nag aantay sa wala. Dagdag mo yung sa totoo lang maganda ako noh.

One day, nagdeposit ulit ako. Di kita nakita. Nakipagdaldalan muna ako sa teller na naging kaibigan ko. Baka kasi nag break ka lng. Pero hindi mo break eh. Kasi sa tinagal tagal ng panahong pumupunta ako sa bangko ng ganoong oras, never kang nag break. So sigurado ako, di mo break. Baka absent ka, o sick leave kaya.

Umuwi akong malungkot. Obvious ba. 

After one week nagdeposit ulit ako. Wala ka pa rin. Nag worry ako. Kung sick leave ka, eh di one week ka ng nagkakasakit. Nahiya naman akong magtanong kasi alam ng lahat we’re not friends not even in speaking terms, nor hi or hello.. Worst, we were never introduced.

Oo nga ano, bakit nga ba walang may nagpakilala sa atin? 

Again, umuwi akong malungkot.

That was it. the next time i went to the bank. BOOM! Narinig ko nagresign  ka na daw.

Ansakit. Gusto kong maiyak right there and then. Paano na ako? Ay wala naman pala akong dahilan umiyak. I doubt if you even realized i ever existed. 

I never went back to the bank again.

Few years after my “dormancy letter” na ako, reminding me to update my accounts.  At narealize ko malaki laki na din pala naipon ko.

Ang mga tao pag pumupunta ng bangko nag iinvest ng pera. Ako pumupunta ng bangko para mag invest ng pagmamahal. Hey, wait.. mahal nga ba kita? 

Winidraw ko na ang mag savings ko. Malaki laki na din. Pwde ko na din bang mawidraw ang pagmamahal na nainvest ko? Di ko kasi alam kung saan ka hahaapin eh. Wala kasi akong mapagtanungan. Paano wala namang may alam na loka loka ako at my gusto ako sayo.

Sana magkita ulit tayo.  Promise pag nagkita tayo ulit i will make sure, mapapansin mo ako, magugustuhan mo ako.

Pangako yan.

Ano nga ba ang pangalan mo?

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Bank (A short stupid love story)

“Next please”.. this is what i usually hear from the teller in the bank when they call out for  their next customer to be served.

I wasn’t paying so much attention. I was busy looking intensely at you. You were busy working in your table. You were writing. You were smiling. You were answering calls. Unfortunately, you never noticed i was looking at you all this time. Funny for me though, ‘cos i was already the one being called ” next please'”.. the teller has to even yell at me. 

It was in the bank when i saw you first.

A bank is for people who wanted to save or loan money.

It wasn’t the case for me,… its not true. I go to the bank regularly  not only to deposit or save money; it was my only chance to see you. Wow, how noble is that?

But, well.. i do have my accounts there. I’d deposit most of the times in really very minimal amount of money. Clearly, just to have a valid reason to be there and see you. Actually, truth is, I had seven accounts in the bank. One of the tellers became my friend already.

I was always excited to go to the bank. Well, of course because you were there. I will see you again.  I will see you again, who unfortunately never noticed me at all. …Ever…

There were times when i doubted my looks. Am i really pretty as what most people say? Maybe after all, i am not, because you never noticed me, nor even looked at me.

In fact, that lady teller i mentioned would sometimes flirt at me. No offense meant here but, hey come on, let’s face it I am pretty.

Days passed… months…even years…But, i did not get even a single glance from you. Maybe i am really not that pretty.

I was losing hope. I don’t think you will ever notice me at all. After all, it’s been years. And all for these years i have been wondering “how it feels like kissing him?…

There were times when the bank’s system would go offline. Some clients would be pest off and complained. I wasn’t pest off and i never complained. Of course why would i be pest off?  I in fact happy. I have more reasons to stay.

There were times too, when i would play nice to an  elderly woman behind me by allowing her to go first. Well, again, another reason to stay longer in the bank.

It’s been years.

So much and so many happened in my life.

Alright, i must admit. How could someone so smart and intelligent be waiting for something to happen over someone who practically never knew i exist?

One day, i went to the bank for my usual deposit drama. I didn’t saw you there. I chatted over my lady teller/lesbian friend with the hope that you just went on a break. But i realized, i have been going back and forth to the bank on that same time of the day, but you were never on “break”.  Well, i thought, “maybe you went on a leave…sick leave?’

I went home sad. Obviously. 

After one week i  went back to the bank again for another “deposit drama”.  You were not there yet again. So if you went on a sick leave, you must have been sick for one week…ahhhh how are you feelin then?

I have no one to ask. Well i was hesitant to ask because the whole world supposedly knew we were not friends, not even on a “hi, hello” mode. Worst i don’t think you knew I ever existed. 

Again, i went home very sad. Obviously. 

That was it. The next time i was back…BOOM!!! i overheard the tellers talking,  discussing your resignation. 

I was hurt. I wanted to break down, right there and then. ”How ’bout me?'”…Ohh, stupid…i don’t have the reason the be hurt after all.  And yes again, i doubt if you ever realized i existed.  

I never went back to the bank again. Why would i?

Few years after, i received a “dormancy letter” saying i needed to update my accounts. I realized i saved so much money already over the course of time going back and forth in the bank wanting to see you. Amazing!!

A bank is for people to save or invest money. In my case i did not just invest money. I invested LOVE. Hey, am i in love with you? Even if you never noticed me?

I closed my accounts and withdrew my investments.

Can i also withdraw the love i invested on you? I actually don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t find you, I have no one to ask. Besides no one knew i went crazy over you. (Sigh…)

I can only hope  i will see you one day… soon.

I promise when that happens i will make sure you will notice me. I swear… you will like me then.

I promise.

“Oh, by the way what’s your name?”

 

 

Kape

image-0-02-06-19ffdf059db98aebb16cb478428bc1bb01f7778d860626098d7429ca114ed185-V

We started over coffee, sabi ng kanta.

At doon tayo nagsimula …sa kape.

Over americano and cappucino; nagkwentuhan tayo

kung ano ano lang.

mababaw,

malalim, 

may kwenta, o wala.

Nasundan pa ng maraming beses ang pagkakape natin.

Hindi ko na mabilang sa dami.

Madalas, kahit nakapagkape na ako,

kapag nag aya ka, oo agad ako.

kaya nga may mga araw na napaparami ako ng kape.

May mga araw na hyper ako.

May mga araw na di ako pwedeng gulatin,

baka atake sa puso ang abot ko.

May mga gabing di ako makatulog; nasobrahan ng kape,

Ngunit madalas nasobrahan sa kakaisip sayo.

Fast forward.

Kape tayo.

namimis na kita.

Nang iwan ka kasi.

 

 

 

(here is the English translation for the benefit of my non – Filipino readers)

 

We started over coffee, as the song goes.

That’s how it all begun.

Over americano and cappuccino.

we talked a lot; nonsense and folly

trivial things, mostly nothing really in particular.

We had coffee.

I can’t even figure out how many times

we’d have coffee a day.

Funny though, ‘cos sometimes 

you’d call me; i’d say yes.

Truth is, i just had one. 

There are days when i’d have too much caffeine;

scaring me off will trigger a heart attack.

There are nights when i’d have insomnia;

caffeine overload, i say

or maybe i kept thinking of you.

Fast forward.

i’m having coffee.

alone.

you left me, just like that.

 

P.S.

From today onwards I will be posting poems in Filipino (my national language) to commemorate and celebrate August as our National Language month.

 

 

The End (part 11)

 

And when i thought
i knew you..

And when your words
used to heal;
all wounds
seal.

And when you
listens to my
stories….

Then you said
“shut up”

I froze.

The end of me storytelling.

 

Silenced (Triple Haiku)

Adored you i wept
In the silence of my heart
I whispered and sighed

I sat beside you
Not a word even to say
Let me walk away

I will thrudge through there
That long narrow road, I’ll be
Walk with me my love

20170521_142006

Goodbye Zoe (Poem for Zoe )

I am reblogging this post..Zoe just passed away today after 8 months of fighting for her life she is finally now in heaven.
My daughter and the rest of her friends are saddened by this.

May you watch over us Zoe…

michnavs

I have a very heartbreaking story to tell. My youngest daughter who is 12 years old has a bestfriend of 6 years. Her name is Zoe.

Zoe has been diagnosed with ovarian cancer (yes a 12 year old girl with an ovarian cancer).. she underwent surgery last February 2016. Unfortunately, her situation worsened since then. After several chemotherapy sessions, blood transfusions and other medical procedures; the doctors decided not to go through another surgery anymore.

Currently, Zoe has gone bald. There has been water retention in her body making her look like a pregnant young woman.

I cannot imagine how her family is coping.

As a mom myself i am deeply saddened by this. My daughter and Zoe literally grew up together.

This afternoon my daughter ask me to critic a poem she wrote for Zoe.

ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU

No matter what happens
No one will forget you
No…

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