I Relinquish

I Relinquish

my years of restless nights
the pain i hide inside
the smile i keep
to camouflage
with the scars, i nurture
i relinquish
to the universe to
carry the burden
so heavy.
every single spark of hope
i carry around
that keeps me goin’,
i relinquish
to the moon and back
and let the sunshine
take away all my pain
let the moonlight
cast upon all my sorrows.
i relinquish
i surrender
i’m done.
and so maybe, just maybe
if you give me a call
i sure would surrender
to love’s final call
for i would not want anything
but you.
i surrender.

for Sadje’s WDYS

The Wounds We Keep

The wounds we keep are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleedsThe next time you see someone cheerfully smiling, look into their eyes again; what does it say?”

 Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our pains, some say they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. But what happens if you have no one to talk to about your pains? What happens if the one person you thought would understand you the most is the very same person who would hurt you? What happens if you can’t simply trust anyone about your story? What happens if you just want to deal with your pains alone? What happens if the pains you’re keeping are just worth keeping for the rest of your life because doing so would create havoc and destruction to people around you? What if being silent is the best option so far?

This is what happens to a woman who lost her child by miscarriage and is deemed to grieve and wallow on her own. And why? she could be living alone. She could be better off dealing with it on her own. Or worst, she feared no one would understand the gravity of her pain. And to add to the injury, she felt no one cared or understood. And that amidst it all, she is expected to go on with her life; after all, they will say, “miscarriage happens to anyone, anytime; it’s a common occurrence.”

This is what happens to a child abandoned and given up by birth. A child who was not given a chance to live in an environment she deserves, a child who lived a life of lies and compromises, a child who grew up who one day woke up and learned the life she had was a complete lie. To whom would she run and talk about her feelings of pain and betrayal? To the parents who raised her but deprived her of the truth? Or to the parents who abandoned her as a helpless little infant?

This is what happens to a woman abused by her partner, be it a boyfriend or a husband. Is keeping the pain and trauma the best option for her now? Obviously, there is so much at stake regarding her safety and her children. It’s easy to say, run away and seek help. It’s easy to say fight, fight hard enough. It’s easy to say walk away when it’s too much to bear. Easier said than done. It is easier for people to tell if they are not in that situation.

This is what happens to a young girl full of life and dream and hope; raped and sexually assaulted. Will talking about it do her good? Or would it add more to the trauma? As we know how the justice system works. The moment you run to the police station or authority for help after the assault, they would ask you questions that would make you feel the pain repeatedly, every bit of it. You will be asked to remember everything from your perpetrator’s smell down to how he smiles and smirks. And if she ran to her family and told them what happened, would she risk the fact that her father or brothers or any family members would run amok, and God knows, what they could do, perhaps hurt or harm her perpetrator? Would she risk seeing her loved ones going to jail for assaulting and, God forbid, killing the same man who assaulted her?

This is what happens to a woman wanting another chance for love. Simply love. But as they say, “damn, love is hard to find.” This happens when she gets dumped and rejected, to say the least. And for some reason, she is left grieving on her own while the other party is up to move on. What would she do? To whom would she run and talk?

Should we keep our own pains and let time heal the wound, they say? Does time really heal all wounds? 

Should we talk about it? To Whom? How? Of course, people will say there are people you can run to for professional help; but let’s get real here they are damn expensive. Some will say there are trauma groups, shelters, and foundations that will help you for free; maybe for some, it will work, but for others? We don’t know. Others would probably say talk to your friends and share how you feel. Really? Because, in most cases, you become the subject of the next day’s gossip once you do so. I’m not saying this is true for all, but the point is can we blame the victim if they would prefer not to talk? 

I am writing this to create awareness that we should stop the culture of blaming the woman/abused/victim for not talking, not reporting, and not walking away. Because in reality, it’s not as easy as telling an anecdotal story, it’s not as easy as running a marathon, or not even as easy as reporting a stolen wallet. There is more. And so much more. We don’t know what’s inside their minds, and we don’t know how much they are hurting.

The next time you see someone cheerfully smiling, look into their eyes again; what does it say?

Gone Too Soon/Poetry Reading

Gone Too Soon

it wasn’t planned, i know. but it doesn’t mean i didn’t want to

and that’s the thing, do we really need to want something to have it?

aren’t we suppose to love it and want it all at the same time when it’s there?

 already there.

and that’s again the thing. before you knew it’s there. it’s gone.

taken away. so suddenly. not a slight chance of survival was given.

gone. too soon.

and i didn’t know it could hurt this much.

until that last drop of hope is lost. last chance of opportunity is missed.

how soon is too soon? how fast is so fast? and how sudden is so sudden?

oh, God here i am trying to figure out, where have i gone wrong?

how did i not know? how did i not suspect? how did i not realize?

may i borrow Taylor Swift’s line and say

“come on baby come with me, we’re gonna fly away from here” to whom i will sing this now?

how am i gonna remember you anyway? how do you want me to call you my angel?

with tears in my eyes and blood oozing down my body, i write this.

to remember you. and be reminded of you.

that on this day, you came. that on this day too, you were taken away.

i wish i could have been spared a little more time with you.

 ‘cos i sure would love to hold you close to my heart.

and if by then chance you will be taken away, at least,

at least maybe i have a clear remembrance of you.

and maybe, just maybe it won’t hurt this much. it won’t hurt so bad.

with a heavy heart, i wonder. how soon is too soon?

how fast is so fast? and how sudden is so sudden? so this one’s a lullaby for you

that on this day, you came. that on this day too, you were taken away.

Tonight

Day 30 of NaPoWriMo. And so with a sad heart i say goodbye to NaPoWriMo 2022. It has been an awesome monthlong of writing poetry.

Tonight

tonight i could sing the most heartbreaking song
with mournful melody that could break anyone’s soul apart
with a sad refrain that summarizes the agonizing suffering of a heart in pain.

how can there be so much pain in a heart where there is so much joy?

tonight i could dance in the saddest most powerful impulsive way
channeling my inner intensely expressive self that may murder the spirits of spectators who feel no wish to dance themselves.

how can there be no other emotion that has the ability to make you feel both indescribable joy and deep fear and sadness, sometimes simultaneously?

tonight i could write the most lonesome poetry
for there is nothing more beautiful than to a poem written by poet whose heart is not just broken but shattered in million pieces where no amount of careful skillful hoisting could assemble it back together.

is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

tonight i could utter the saddest word ever, and it says your name.