I’ll Probably Die (inside the mind of a trauma victim)

I’ll Probably Die (inside the mind of a trauma victim)

let’s go inside the mind and heart of someone who has gone through so much in life. come join me.

“i’ll probably die; maybe
don’t freak out”

i’ll probably die, so don’t freak out or cry. don’t be sad. don’t grieve or wallow. just let me go. set my soul free and let me fly higher ’till heaven. it is where i wanna be; heaven. i only hope God will open His gate for me. oh, yeah, that’s it; pray that i’d be in heaven. i so wanna be there. they say heaven is our eternal home and resting place, and i so wanna have my final rest. it’s just got so hard, and i am tired. so set me free. free to fly. free to roam. free to rest. don’t cry. i seriously need to rest.

don’t think for once that i am leaving you. i am not. i will be around. you will see me. you will feel me. you will hear me. i just need to go. find my resting place. and i know this is not from where i am now. i am just tired. my body can’t take the pain anymore. just let me go. let me go with a smile.

i promise i will never leave you behind. for each time the sun rises, i will be among its vibrant yellow sun rays kissing your checks “good morning.” i will be the aromatic smell of your morning coffee. i will the soft morning breeze as you open your car driving through your work. i will be your Spotify song accompanying you on a long drive or in a back-bending traffic jam.

i promise i will just be beside you whenever and wherever you are.

and oh, before i go, please don’t think that i am leaving you deliberately. no, i don’t. i just can’t stay anymore. my body is so tired that getting by each day is daunting. i just can’t go on anymore. i wanted to, but i knew it was time to give up the fight. it’s been a long time. i deserve to rest.

i have been keeping my composure for so long that i didn’t realize it has broken down my whole being. and it’s not fair anymore.

i am leaving. with the birds in the sky. with the leaves falling. with the clouds soaring. with the rainbow. oh, yes, with the rainbow in heaven. maybe then my life will have its color.

i’ll go, but i will always love you from wherever God may put me to be.

The Wounds We Keep

The wounds we keep are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleedsThe next time you see someone cheerfully smiling, look into their eyes again; what does it say?”

 Anything human is mentionable, and anything mentionable can be more manageable. When we talk about our pains, some say they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. But what happens if you have no one to talk to about your pains? What happens if the one person you thought would understand you the most is the very same person who would hurt you? What happens if you can’t simply trust anyone about your story? What happens if you just want to deal with your pains alone? What happens if the pains you’re keeping are just worth keeping for the rest of your life because doing so would create havoc and destruction to people around you? What if being silent is the best option so far?

This is what happens to a woman who lost her child by miscarriage and is deemed to grieve and wallow on her own. And why? she could be living alone. She could be better off dealing with it on her own. Or worst, she feared no one would understand the gravity of her pain. And to add to the injury, she felt no one cared or understood. And that amidst it all, she is expected to go on with her life; after all, they will say, “miscarriage happens to anyone, anytime; it’s a common occurrence.”

This is what happens to a child abandoned and given up by birth. A child who was not given a chance to live in an environment she deserves, a child who lived a life of lies and compromises, a child who grew up who one day woke up and learned the life she had was a complete lie. To whom would she run and talk about her feelings of pain and betrayal? To the parents who raised her but deprived her of the truth? Or to the parents who abandoned her as a helpless little infant?

This is what happens to a woman abused by her partner, be it a boyfriend or a husband. Is keeping the pain and trauma the best option for her now? Obviously, there is so much at stake regarding her safety and her children. It’s easy to say, run away and seek help. It’s easy to say fight, fight hard enough. It’s easy to say walk away when it’s too much to bear. Easier said than done. It is easier for people to tell if they are not in that situation.

This is what happens to a young girl full of life and dream and hope; raped and sexually assaulted. Will talking about it do her good? Or would it add more to the trauma? As we know how the justice system works. The moment you run to the police station or authority for help after the assault, they would ask you questions that would make you feel the pain repeatedly, every bit of it. You will be asked to remember everything from your perpetrator’s smell down to how he smiles and smirks. And if she ran to her family and told them what happened, would she risk the fact that her father or brothers or any family members would run amok, and God knows, what they could do, perhaps hurt or harm her perpetrator? Would she risk seeing her loved ones going to jail for assaulting and, God forbid, killing the same man who assaulted her?

This is what happens to a woman wanting another chance for love. Simply love. But as they say, “damn, love is hard to find.” This happens when she gets dumped and rejected, to say the least. And for some reason, she is left grieving on her own while the other party is up to move on. What would she do? To whom would she run and talk?

Should we keep our own pains and let time heal the wound, they say? Does time really heal all wounds? 

Should we talk about it? To Whom? How? Of course, people will say there are people you can run to for professional help; but let’s get real here they are damn expensive. Some will say there are trauma groups, shelters, and foundations that will help you for free; maybe for some, it will work, but for others? We don’t know. Others would probably say talk to your friends and share how you feel. Really? Because, in most cases, you become the subject of the next day’s gossip once you do so. I’m not saying this is true for all, but the point is can we blame the victim if they would prefer not to talk? 

I am writing this to create awareness that we should stop the culture of blaming the woman/abused/victim for not talking, not reporting, and not walking away. Because in reality, it’s not as easy as telling an anecdotal story, it’s not as easy as running a marathon, or not even as easy as reporting a stolen wallet. There is more. And so much more. We don’t know what’s inside their minds, and we don’t know how much they are hurting.

The next time you see someone cheerfully smiling, look into their eyes again; what does it say?

Gone

Gone

you’re the one
who crippled me
‘cos my choices
my ideas
my dreams
my hopes
were never
ever good
enough for you
not even
the simplest
color of my nails
to the most
complex
house decor
so, yeah
it’s all on you
you’re always
the one
the only
best.

but i tell you
gone are those
days when men
rule the world
when husbands
have more power
than wives
when men are
the only voice
when their minds
bear the
ultimate
sovereign truth
when men
are given
ample rights
and opportunities
than women.

gone.

For David’s Weekly Prompt:
https://skepticskaddish.com/2022/06/29/w3-prompt-9-weave-written-weekly/

After Rain Skies (ebook available for pre -order)

poetrybymich 💥💫💛  “After Rain Skies” is now available for pre – order as ebook copy via  Kobo.Com
Link in my bio or you can just click this:https://www.kobo.com/ph/en/ebook/after-rain-skies-second-edition

Kindle file and paperback copy will be available via Amazon -March 8, 2022

“After Rain Skies (second edition)” is a compilation of true and inspiring stories of abuse and violence in prose and poetry. This edition will open our minds and hearts to the heartbreaking realities of the culture of sexual abuse, happening to women all over the world. This may even surprise you, as I ventured out into exposing stories of perpetrators who are kind, smart and successful –not your usual “bad kind of guy”.  Which leads me to say, not all who is good and kind is righteous and compassionate. Sometimes, evil just lurk around waiting for the time to be unleashed. Sometime too, the face of an evil is “beautiful”, not your usual “evil kind of guy – with burning red eyes face”. So, girls watch out. Evil could be just around, sitting right next to you camouflaging as your best friend, your uncle, your classmate, your neighbor or worst your supposed “beloved”. The stories in this edition will help girls and women to spot possible perpetrators and to see the possible “red flags” at any given situation.

Sexual abuse was the only form of violence I refused to include in the first book. Why? Listening to my subjects’ telling their stories was heartbreaking. It broke me, honestly. I couldn’t find the courage to write it then, because writing it and retelling their stories would mean going through the broken feeling again. So, I chose not to write. I chose not to include it. I wasn’t prepared.

P.S  “After Rain Skies – Second Edition” – a portion of my royalty fee for this book will go to Perak Women for Women Society. An NGO that helps and supports victims of abuse and violence. Your purchase of the book will help a woman in need of shelter, suport and therapy.

Quiet Death

Quiet Death

i stared into vacancy
seeing nothing
feeling nothing
there was numbness
a complete loss of sensation
i was breathing rapidly
sweating, trembling
feeling weak

i drank myself into oblivion
unaware of what’s happening
unconscious of what’s goin’ on
there was silence
i was agonizing
it was heart – wrenching
harrowing, racking

then there goes my quiet death

P.S

My book “After Rain Skies – second edition” (a compilation of true and inspiring stories of abuse and violence in prose and poetry) will be out March 8, 2022.

😔💔Women have the right to live free from violence. Let your voice be heard

Join me and the rest of the world in spreading awareness and putting an end to the culture of abuse and violence

After Rain Skies (second edition)

poetrybymich 🥺Women have the right to live free from violence. Let your voice be heard

💛After Rain Skies (second edition) – Releasing March 8, 2022) 💛

Kayla would have been just a manufactured memory to her family, friends, and children, had she not taken the courage to walk away from her abusive husband.

 She found out she could leave only after he tried to kill her.

Let there be no more Kayla, let every woman live a life they deserve.

Together let us join the rest of the world in celebrating the hero in every woman, this MARCH 2022

Yes! There’s no place for complacency.

 Sadly though none of us will probably witness the end of the culture of violence in our lifetimes, and nor likely will many of our children.

 But, we can all play a part.

Women have the right to live free from violence.

Let your voice be heard

Child

A child who has experienced complex trauma will have difficulty identifying, expressing, and managing emotions.

Child

i am a child of lies
and compromises
of insults
and agonizing cries
of concealed truths
and broken promises

i am a sole witness
to how a once supposed
great love story
turned into
a disgusting
and spiteful relationship

For Reena’s Exploration Challenge https://reinventionsreena.wordpress.com/2022/02/17/reenas-xploration-challenge-218/